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Young Writers Society



The City Is a Beast

by Monument Soul


~The City is an organism, an organization and a fiend.
The City devours, rivers, forest, mountains and human beings.~


~Its mind is a system, a goverment and its will is a regime.
the Soul of the city, is a community, a culture, a society.
its body is an industry a populace, a machine.~

~Greed is its heart beat
innovation is its hope
Oppression is it's immune system
Revolution is its dope.~

~I speak from the belly of the beast
In prison that I am

I was ingested into this gastric hell
because I wanted to kill the leading man.~

~My plan was not to kill the beast
but to make it grow fast and strong as it possibly can.

that was my mission
being the virus that I am.~


the city is alive, will it die or will it thrive.

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41 Reviews

Points: 1145
Reviews: 41

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Wed Feb 25, 2009 7:17 am
erratik_statik wrote a review...



You don't see much of this sort of stuff on here... I really like it.
Its got a real grungy, industrial tone: perfect for the antiestablishment idea behind it.

Gastric hell= love it

I think the way you've personified the city (devoured, ingested) to metaphor humanity is beautiful.

Basically I love the idea, the language, the image, the tone: the lot :-)

If you wanted some critical stuff I guess you could make it rhyme a bit more consistently and myabe not space it out as much.. but they really don't do any damage.

But get rid of "The City Is A Beast' as the second last line... It softened the finishing blow considerably. Deleeeete lol

Real good though

Brendan




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141 Reviews

Points: 2527
Reviews: 141

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Tue Feb 24, 2009 9:14 pm
thedelphinater wrote a review...



This was good and I really liked the idea. However, you had a few issues with the rhyme, rhythm, and organization.

The spacing and how you organized the stanzas was a bit confusing, like you would have lines that were connected, but you would space them out a lot. The length of each stanza was relatively inconsistent as well.

This also threw off the rhythm, which made reading it a bit tricky. You started out with one rhythm and it made sense, than you would have lines that were all different lengths than before. For example: "My plan was not to kill the beast/ but to make it grow fast and strong as it possibly can." The second line is way longer than any of the other ones in the poem.

Your rhyming was confusing, because the scheme changed several times, and also you started out with a rhyme that was, no offense, kind of weak, than you had a good rhyme, but then you changed the pattern, so I was completely lost. You start out with the pattern of AA BB, then you make it so that every other line rhymes for a while, but you change again at the end a couple of times.

Basically, you had a good poem and a good idea, but it was all over the place. You had all these different rhyme schemes and rhythms going on and it got really confusing. By fixing all that stuff makes it a lot easier for the reader and makes the poem seem neater.

One last nitpick: the beginnings of each line need to be capitalized. You only did so about half the time.





Noelle, you can lead a writer to their computer and give them coffee, but you can't make them write.
— CowLogic